last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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