well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We left the knife in your bed.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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