You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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