So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
