Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
