I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
