your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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