There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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