Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize