UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So vagazzling was a success
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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