and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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