overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
