Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
