Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
