Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
