Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
