So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
