Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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