did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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