i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
