can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
