So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
