Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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