Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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