no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
