you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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