How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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