I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
