The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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