I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
