Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
