He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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