Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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