Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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