Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
