I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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