went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
