i think my tv is drunk
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
