You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
