You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
