I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
