Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
