great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize