well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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