There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
