Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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