After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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