There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
