I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
