I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
