If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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